every second i'm without you i'm a mess
by wmyuaf
Summary: "That's not only it! He doesn't think I'm capable of doing anything by myself." Sodapop still went on, but he didn't pull away, or break their hug. He only held on to his little brother tighter, bringing him closer against him. "A-And.. I'm trash, and that's all I'll ever be." He mumbled, burying his face in Ponyboy's neck. - gah, this is slash.


**I posted this on archiveofourown, but I thought I'd share it here, too! :D **

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Ponyboy peaked his head around the corner of his house, watching his brother pacing back and forth in their backyard. He had his head in his hands, as he groaned loudly. He kicked at the wall, letting out a deep sigh. Not even five minutes ago, Ponyboy got home, to hear arguing going on from inside their home. Sodapop stormed out, and went around back. Immediately, the younger boy followed after him, watching him in his frustration. "I know you're standing there." His brother spat, turning around to look at him.

"I-I'm sorry!" Ponyboy replied, all too quickly, a stuttering mess. He's never seen his brother this mad. It actually makes him feel.. Threatened. "What's wrong?" He asked, deciding to take a step closer to him. Sodapop was so tense. So for the fact that he wasn't doing anything, he took a chance and moved a bit closer.

"It's nothing! Go away."

"No! Why were you and Darry yelling at each other?" Every single time _Ponyboy_ would be storming out of the house angry, Sodapop was always the one to go after him, and bring him back. He would comfort him. So why is it so wrong if, this _one _time, Ponyboy wants to do the same?

"It's just.. Stupid." Sodapop muttered. Kicking dirt with his feet. He ran his fingers through his dark hair, stressed.

"Talk to me." Ponyboy responded in a soft tone. Slowly, he reached out to grip the sleeve of the older boy's shirt. Sodapop roughly pulled away, in a harsh manner, pushing his brother. "Stop it!" The boy cried, frowning. Sodapop just said nothing. So Ponyboy moved more in front of him, to where they could face each other more and grabbed onto his hands. "You know, whatever you have to say, I'll listen. So, go on and spit it out already." He placed his fingers under the other boy's chin, so they were eye to eye. "Say something."

"I can't do anything right.." Sodapop said quietly, looking down at his feet.

"What..?" The shorter one asked, genuinely confused. His eyebrows narrowed, and he leaned in closer.

"I try my hardest, you know? And.. I lost my job! I try to do something good in this family, and I just want someone to _see_ that."

"Is this what you and Darry were going on about..? You losing your job?" Already enough, Ponyboy knew how badly his brother thought of himself. He thought he was dirt, no better than anybody else, and that he could never be worth anything.

The boy wrapped his arms around Sodapop's waist, standing just a bit on his tiptoes so that he could rest his cheek on his shoulder, trying his best to comfort him. "If it is..-"

"That's not only it! He doesn't think I'm capable of doing anything by myself." Sodapop still went on, but he didn't pull away, or break their hug. He only held on to his little brother tighter, bringing him closer against him. "A-And.. I'm trash, and that's all I'll ever be." He mumbled, burying his face in Ponyboy's neck.

"That's not true! I'll admit, Darry can really back off once and a while. But he's just as frustrated as you, alright? Whatever he says that hurts you, he doesn't mean it. And, you'll find some place. Think of this as you being able to relax for once." Ponyboy tried to pull away, but Sodapop kept him in place. Almost like he was scared. As if, he let the boy go, he would never have him again. That was his only comfort, and he didn't want to lose it.

"But, what if Darry lost his job? What would happen then? That can't happen!"

"And it won't happen! Don't worry about it." Ponyboy replied, muffled by the older brother's shirt. He tried to lift himself more, but that wasn't even possible. He felt practically smothered. "Soda, I can't really breathe." He told him, letting out a soft chuckle.

Sodapop loosened his grip, yet kept his arms around Ponyboy's shoulders. "I'm sorry.." He muttered, sad expression notable. Ponyboy just reached up, poking his fingers at Sodapop's dimples, nudging his lips up into a smile. "What are you doing?" The older one laughed.

"Trying to make you smile!"

"You can be really stupid sometimes," Sodapop lightly wrapped his fingers around the boy's wrist, bringing them away from his face, smile still present. "but you're a great kid, and I'm glad I have you."

"Good! You need to be happy!" Sodapop only smiled again. They stood there, lightly touching each others hands, in silence. Sodapop laced their fingers together, and Ponyboy just gave a breathy laugh. The silence between them wasn't exactly awkward. They were so comfortable around each other, it was unbelieveable. Within a few moments, and Ponyboy felt himself being pulled in another direction. "Hey, where are we going-" He shortly cut himself off as he almost _stumbled_ trying to keep up with his brother. "Are we going somewhere?" He asked curiously, as Sodapop opened the door to his truck.

"Just get in, will you?" Sodapop laughed, holding the door open as he stood out of the way, giving room for the smaller boy to crawl in. As soon as he got his other foot lifted, and he could move inside, he felt a hand on his arse push him the rest of the way, he almost collapsed from his hands and knees.

"Stop being so pushy, Sodapop!" Ponyboy whined, turning over to sit down. As soon as Sodapop had the door shut behind him, he was pushing his little brother until he was flat on his back. He laughed at the confused look he saw in Ponyboy's eyes.

"Hold still!" Really, Sodapop was the only one laughing. Ponyboy was squirming around in discomfort. "This isn't as bad as you think it is." If he _really_ thought about it, it was bad. But that's not one more thing on his mind that he needs to hate himself over.

When the boy under him finally got his hands pressed to his chest, in a manner to push him away, Sodapop succeeded in using both hands to hold Ponyboy's wrists above his head. "This isn't really funny! There's not a whole lot of room in here, and," Ponyboy paused, groaning in displeasure at the fact that, there was a seatbelt under him, pressing into his side that really hurt from the pressure put on it. "I'm being stabbed in my hip by a damn seatbelt! Just let me go!"

"Oh, will you just hush up?" Sodapop held him down more firmly by putting his weight on Ponyboy's thighs, straddling him, and he leaned down to catch his lips with his own. At first, Ponyboy's eyes shot open in surprise, then Sodapop could hear this whine in the back of his throat as he struggled against the hold that was on his wrists. He was trying to lift his body, moving up, closer, like he was trying to get more of the kiss. He felt like he was being teased as his brother kept pulling back, not giving him a chance to return the kiss.

Sodapop broke off their contact, to sit up straight on his thighs, fingers making work on the other's trousers. He got the button undone, and the zipper pulled down, then just as he was about to lift himself up enough to get them done for access to his brother's growing problem below him, the two's eyes widened as they heard a door slam and their names being called. Sodapop's hands went straight to Ponyboy's mouth, keeping him quiet. He laid down against him, so that, if their oldest brother came around back, he wouldn't be able to see them both in the truck. A few more times, they heard their names called, then it went quiet. Then the sound could be heard of engine roar. Finally, the boys could let out the breaths that were being held in their chests. They could feel one another's heartbeats, they were practically _clung_ together. "He's leaving." Ponyboy said breathily, once Sodapop's hands were removed from covering his mouth.

"He's gone." And Sodapop dived right back into the kiss, already missing the feeling of his mouth against the younger boy's. Now, he wasted no time in slipping his tongue into Ponyboy's mouth, enjoying the gasps and moans they shared, exploring each other's mouths. Ponyboy had his fingers threaded through Sodapop's hair, pulling, and shaking as the only sound to be heard inside the truck was their panting. When they were in a need of air, they broke away. Ponyboy got his breathing under control, and his brother went to get the boy's boxers down, just over his ankles, where his trousers were also held up.

As soon as Ponyboy felt a hand wrapping around his erection, he immediately started moving in his spot, having his hands struggling to be placed down on the seats inside the truck. He'd let out a small cry every single time his hands would slip, or fail to keep himself up, moving to where his back was against the hard door. He whimpered, leaning his head back against the window. Sodapop looked up, watching as Ponyboy had his eyes shut, mouth parted open, a gasp falling from his lips with every jerk of his older brother's wrist. Ponyboy couldn't help thrusting up into Sodapop's hand, desparate. It wasn't long until he began spilling over, into the other boy's hand. "I-I'm sorry." He panted out, once his breathing was under control.

"Why are you sorry?" Sodapop laughed, leaning over to press a lazy kiss to the exhausted one's lips.

"We made a mess." He just laughed, again. And Ponyboy went on, as he took his shirt off, using it to help clean up the truck's seats. "What was this.. exactly?" Ponyboy muttered, rolling up his shirt once he was done, tossing it to the floor.

Sodapop sat up straight, trailing his hand over to take Ponyboy's own into his, lacing their fingers. He held their hands in his lap, and he let out a sigh. "You probably don't realise it but.. You always make everything better, when I'm having such a hard time. You always know what to say, and.. you don't even _have_ to say anything. All you have to do is be there. Just you being there makes everything better." He said softly, rubbing the pad of his thumb across Ponyboy's hand. It was quiet for a moment, and all he could hear was this quiet, breathy laughing_. "What?" _

"You're so stupid.." Ponyboy replied, rubbing his eye with a free hand. He looked up at Sodapop, with a smile. "You're really cheesy, you know?"

"I am?"

"Yes."

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**Gosh, I'm horrible at ending things. ghufdighdfuihgdfg. **


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